There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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