I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
