I accidentally had phone sex last night
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
