Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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