So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
