i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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