I hate your face
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
there is glitter all over my balls
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