I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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