Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
