he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
