I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
