Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
A+ Viking dick
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