She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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