WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
