I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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