I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
