Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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