i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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