Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
