He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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