just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
