He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
