I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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