I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
