I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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