are you still at the devil's house?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
