You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
