dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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