Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
