Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
