yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
