How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
