Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
