I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
