Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
