I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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