The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
