I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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