jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
