You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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