We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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