i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
