I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
