So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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