spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
