He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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