my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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