I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
