Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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