I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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